I’ve Been Afraid!

Fear is more harmful than the pain of a physical injury. Fear is the driving component behind tension, resistance, and paralysis. Lately, because of my transition to a new city, with a new environment, with a new job, a new family, a new everything, my level of fear has risen. It has been scary to be so vulnerable and so raw when I haven’t had my consistent support system that I’m used to. The problem with this fear that has seeped in is that I don’t function well with this emotion. I know you will say that no one functions well with this emotion, but those who aren’t aware of how debilitating this emotion is really don’t know. This is why they say “ignorance is bliss.” But I’m aware and so it becomes more crisp in my view. I moved out to LA because I don’t like to function from fear and staying in Miami would have been the “safe” thing to do. So here I am across the country, and in fear.  Yes. I’m being real, raw and completely vulnerable on my blog for all unknown and known eyes to see. But this is how I combat my fear. I have to expose it. I need to bring it to light and then, it diffuses and becomes a speck of sand instead of a sand castle in the sky. So here goes…

I’m afraid of what I have lost by leaving Miami.

I’m afraid of my own lack of spiritual evolution because it means that I won’t be able to handle and manage these challenges objectively and smoothly.

I’m afraid of not finding a community like the one I had before.

I’m afraid of not being the right kind of teacher for these new students who are used to a different style of yoga.

I’m afraid that with this change I won’t make enough money to support myself entirely.

I’m afraid that people won’t understand or get who I really am and embrace it because I can’t not be myself.

I’m afraid that I won’t make deep, good friends here.

I’m afraid that I’ll lose my essential purpose as to why I do what I do; to become enlightened and serve to the best of my ability.

I’m afraid my intellect has been beaten by my mind since this shift.

I’m afraid of not being able to take care of myself first with all these additions and changes in my life…

So I’m afraid… a lot.

But this is where I kick my own ass and wake up and say, “ENOUGH!”

You are better than this negativity and doubt.

You are TOO hard on yourself.

You study every morning.

You give 100% of yourself with everyone you’re with.

You trust and inspire others to trust.

Stop this mental momentary insanity.

You genuinely love others and want them to feel loved.

You are doing the best you can and your best is great!

You are there for people when they need you.

You speak up for your needs and create healthy boundaries.

Stand up. Step up. Let yourself be seen for who you really are.

Remember your higher ideal. This isn’t about you. This is about something bigger. Something deeper. Something beyond this limited life.

Show your truth. Show your light. Remember the teachings!

So I must surrender and understand that these growing pains are harming me.

So in front of you all. Completely naked. Completely open. Completely bare.

I surrender.

I’ll let go of my story. I’ll let go of my control. I’ll let go of how I think I know.

To realize that I create my new story. I never had control to begin with. And I don’t know anything.

But I will continue to serve and give 100% of myself.

Forever yours,

Faithfully.

Rina