I was emptying out some boxes the other day and came across this sculpture that one of my friends from high school made for me as a graduation present. It’s a tree trunk she made in her pottery class and she added a Winnie the Pooh, a Piglet and an Eeyore because she knows that I’m a Winnie the Pooh freak. The tree trunk opens and inside she left a note. It said, “Just a little something to show you how much I appreciate your friendship. For the past three years you have been there for me when I needed you. I hope you know that I am here for you too. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Love, Celeste 5-29-97.”
I paused when I read this and thought to myself, “What did I do to be there for her?” This triggered me to think about the value of friendships and why is it that I have been able to keep most of my closest friends from when I was 4 years old. I have two friends that I’ve had for 34 years and the rest that are still in my life have been my friends for 15-20 years. In my 36 years as Rina, that statistic seems improbable. So, as I do with most (if not all) of the things in my life that challenge me, I dissected the reasons why this is so and what are the ingredients to lasting friendships.
Very broadly the main ingredients include investing time, love, money, sacrifices and honesty. More specifically I’ve devised 17 tips to help you see where your friendships stand and how you can create deeper bonds.
- Be the friend you wish you had. If you want someone to be there for you at a drop of a hat when you need them, then you have to be willing to doing the same for them. Friendships require watering the soil and the seeds you’ve harvested.
- Answer the phone or text them back when they reach out.
- Don’t just talk about yourself. Genuinely care about their lives and ask them about it. Follow up with them days after you spoke to see how that situation is going with them.
- Give to your friends without any expectations. Offer it from your heart.
- Ask them for help when you need it. Value their advice and their time.
- Apologize when you’re wrong. Even if it wasn’t your intention to hurt them, be willing to look them in the eyes and apologize for your actions.
- Keep your word and follow through as you promised. If there’s an emergency where you can’t follow through then communicate clearly with them so that they know that you are dependable and reliable.
- Go above and beyond to show them that they matter. Pick them up at the airport, drive 45 minutes to see them if you have to, sacrifice your plans to be with them when they need you the most and, most importantly, don’t rub it in that you sacrificed your time.
- Spend one-on-one time with heartfelt conversations. As much as you are able to open yourself up, they will feel safe to open themselves up too.
- Be willing to pay for some of your friends’ meals, a coffee, etc. just to show that you care in different ways. If you can’t afford much then be resourceful and selective. If they decide to return the gesture then accept it and be appreciative of it. Don’t let their gift go unnoticed.
- Send physical cards – not just e-cards – every once in a while. Hand written cards go a long way.
- Surprise them with grand gestures. For example, spend time doing a project for someone when they least expect it. It’s easy to give a gift card (which I do often because it’s the most practical gift ever.) If you get inspired to draw a painting, write a song or get tickets to their favorite band, or some extra gesture that takes time and effort to put together, this will speak volumes of how you feel about them as your friend.
- Take time to assess them correctly and accept them for who they are.
- Only give them advice if they ask for it. Just be a great listener and understand their feelings.
- Being honest and truthful but with a sweet and compassionate delivery. Be able to say the hard things that others might not say because of fear of losing them as friends.
- Be honest with yourself and ask yourself, “Am I friends with this person for their status, money, connections, lifestyle or am I friends with them because I genuinely appreciate them as a human being?” If you are using someone for your own selfish purposes then probably best to let them go. Being real means you attract real people.
- Have clear boundaries with your friends. Be able to stand up for yourself and clearly communicate when you feel that your friend has done something hurtful. Be willing to listen to their side of the story and give them a chance. But don’t hesitate to speak your truth.
The above list of tips might seem that your friends could take you for granted but the truth is that if you apply the above suggestions and maintain a healthy balance of your own needs being met, then your relationship is built on solid ground.
Remember that by giving to your friends you are receiving as much if not more. You’re not meant to be a doormat, but a step ladder to help your friend become a better person. Reflect on if your friendships help you grow spiritually into a better person as well.
It all goes back to that ole childhood saying, “Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you.” Even though we have heard this phrase since we were kids, we find it challenging to take the right actions. A better phrase – if I may rewrite my childhood – would be “Serve unto others” and just leave it at that.
Serving and giving your love means you are filling up your love-well… thus experience your own fullness instead of your emptiness. Ultimately becoming your own best friend and a best friend to all.
